My mother..........

I went and saw my mother tonight. The purpose of this trip was to go through pictures for a memory book I am making for my step dad's 80th birthday.
After one of the worst days ever at work and battling Friday traffic to Beaverton, I arrive. I immediately go into a rant about work and traffic. I am looking at my mother standing in the kitchen and I notice how small and frail she appeared to me. I felt bad for my ridiculous rants. I wondered when she got so small. I asked her if she had lost weight, she said no.
We go to dinner. My mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease several years ago. There have never been visible signs so it's never really talked about. As I sat across from her I realize she cannot stop moving. Her head and upper body are moving about constantly. I asked her when this started, she replied some time ago. I realize it has been way too long since I have seen her. I also realize "it is happening". The dreaded effects of this disease are here. We talked about it. She said with a laugh, "I am just like Michael J. Fox". I do not laugh. I asked if it hurt, she said no, it's just irritating. I suddenly feel guilt. I'm not sure for what. I do realize over my sweet and sour chicken, that I am not a very good daughter to her. I'm really not. I don't call enough, I don't see her enough, and I don't know how to react to her moving about uncontrollably. We go back to her house and dig through pictures. Pictures of her at a healthier time, pictures of my step dad and all of his kids, pictures of me in the 70's and pictures of my daughter. Some of the pictures of my daughter flashed visions of my granddaughter through my head. I finally see it. The resemblance I never saw before. This is sweet to me. In my head I am finally connecting the dots between families.
My mother continues to bob around while we are digging through pictures. It's not real bad yet, but I know it will be.
As I look at my family in these pictures, I am sad for times gone by, but I am happy there are so many photos of weddings, camping trips, beach trips, siblings, cousins, grand kids, houses and pets.
I will compile all these memories into one book. I do not know why, but this process makes me a little sad. A family that once was so entwined, seems to have gone it's separate ways. Where I was once so connected, I now seem to be looking from the outside in.
I pray my mom will not get worse, but know that she will. I cannot quite process this.
I will instead focus on compiling the happy times into one book.
jb