Love makes a family.........

When my daughter made the decision to give her unborn baby up for open adoption, I never imagined what would lay ahead. Amid a million questions/fears/insecurities we all had on both sides, I had my own. The feelings that only belonged to me. Would I feel like a Grandma once the baby was with her new family? Would I see her as often as I hoped? Would the guilt ever leave me that I did not take a bigger role in this baby staying in my family? The answers are yes, yes and yes.
Some 3 1/2 years later, I see this child as often as I wish. I not only feel like a Grandma, I am one. When the family told us we would need to include their first child in our lives as well, it never occured to me to do anything different. Yes, I had two granchildren. The older one feels as much a part of me as the one that actually has some of my blood in her. There is no difference.
I never forget these children have family outside of my family, that they are conncected to a whole nother gene pool that came long before us. Yet, the respect and level of trust has grown amungst all of us I believe. There is enough of those kids to be shared amungst us all. For this I am eternally grateful. For this, I thank God that my daughter chose this family and that they were strong enough and brave enough to accept and keep us.
So, when the family became pregnate with twins, I had some questions inside me. Not so many this time however. Would I feel like a grandma to the new ones? Would I be accepted as a Grandma to them?
Well, the little guys entered the world a few days ago. As I was handed baby B, I fell in love with him immedietely. He felt as much a part of my life as the two that allready were. There is no difference. It did not go unnoticed as I was being handed him that I was lovingly called my given "Grandma" name. All the questions seemed silly at that point.
I was taken to the ICU to see baby A (who is getting a little help to become stronger). As I saw him laying there, I fell in love all over again. Holding him felt as right as anything. My heart broke in one instant.
Being allowed to share the babies with the Grandparents who came long before me, the ones who gave birth and raised the mother of these beautiful children, felt as normal and right as it gets.
Today, I am so grateful and so full of love for these four children.
Some people have said (in the beginning) "it's not normal, it's kind of odd, you don't really belong to those children" . Well, those statements are so far gone from me now. They left long ago with all the questions and insecurites.
I only know what I feel now. I feel pure joy and gratitude(and some exhaustion) when I get to bring the older two to my home for a sleepover. I feel pure joy that I get to be part of the two new babies lives.
I feel eternally grateful for the two parents that allow me to be in this place.
I am totally in love with four very beautiful children. I think of baby A constantly and send out all the love and good vibes I can so he can get strong and join everyone else.
And never has it rang more true to me that "love makes a family".

Vacation...

My vacation was great. Traveling almost alone provided a different experience.
First 3 days-NYC. It was pouring rain the entire time. This did not stop my friend from giving me the tour of Manhattan at rapid speed. It started with tears shed at Ground Zero and ended in Soho and everywhere in between. I stayed in what can only be described in New York terms as a "fabulous" apt. An old converted Zipper factory. It somewhat scared me with it's concrete walls and bars on the windows. But I was grateful for the free lodging. NYC is a fascinating city!
Day 4-a solo tour of Baltimore. A city I grew to hate in about 1/2 an hour. Very unfriendly and somewhat intimidating, given it's reputation for random acts of violence. This did not stop me, but the people pissed me off.
Day 5-6 quick visit into the lives of my relatives in New Bedford, Mass. This is where my aunt wakes up every morning at 6 am, checks the temperature and calls it into the local radio show. She does this M-F. The highlight was watching American Idol and having her dial in my votes for me. There were no plans, no dinners, just me in the middle of a regular day for them. The spend alot of time bitching about the other relatives. I was happy I went.
Day 7-8 My favorite part of the trip was my solo trek to DC. I booked a fancy Hotel for myself and toured the city. I had the best time going to museums, seeing monuments, the White House etc.I couldn't walk fast enough, trying to take in as much as I could. My hotel was directly accross from the Smithsonian Castle. Quite a treat for me. I ordered cookies and milk to my room at 11 pm, wore the fancy robe they provided and basically treated myself to whatever I wanted. It was quite lovely. It's the first time in a very long time I have treated myself so well, and this makes me want to cry.
Day 9- my last day of vacation was spent on a guided tour of Baltimore by my friend. We rode the water taxi around the Harbor, ate Gellato, and walked through some very quaint neighborhoods. I was glad to see another side of that city besides the angry people on the bus from day one. It was a great, relaxing day with my friend and a nice end to the trip.
My first subway ride in NYC was a bit intimidating for me.I was a little panicky, but after several subway and train rides I soon learned it is a great way to travel.
By the end of my trip in DC, I felt like a local."out of my way, I have a train to catch!"
All in all, a very memorable trip.
On the plane ride home I sat by a nice couple. They really touched me. They were so kind to each other. As I watched her get up to check on her teenagers in the next aisle, kiss their foreheads while the husband watched with a very sweet look on his face, alot rushed through my mind. We chatted with each other and I instantly fell in love with them both.
Of all the things I saw and learned on this trip, I have to say they were one of the most important. As I said good-bye to them, they had no idea the impact they just had on me. I cannot explain on here what they did for me, but I'm glad I met them.

Happy to be home, but ready to go again!
jb