Must get out....

It feels as if I will never leave my house again. While the snow is melting, my car is still dead. It is beyond a dead batterie. It starts when jumped, but then won't start later.
This has been the worst experience I have had in a long time. Being stuck in this house by myself is hell.
All gratitude for heat, food etc is long gone. Yes, it could be worse but I don't care.
I have two cars I want to go look at today. I am at the mercy of my son who claims he can come get me this afternoon. I pray one of the cars works out and I can drive home.
I would imagine at this point, a trip to Fred Meyers by myself in a car would feel like a trip to Paris.
jb

Holy Crap

This has been a challenging situation. First I am trapped downtown for two days... then I finally make it home today and I am so happy until I see my house. It is buried. My car is buried. Being gone for two days and no shoveling taking place it is a disaster. I feel like a caged animal. I finally broke down today.....and she cried.
How will I get to Christmas with my grandkids? Well, I have decided I will. One way or another. I am going to wake up early, shovel my driveway, and find a way to get a bus or a ride over there. I just have to.
I have spent alot of time with people at work. This has been weird. I feel like Christmas allready happened and I missed it. It has been me and my co workers for days. Troupers, every one of them.
There have been some good things happening though. My friend gave his partner a diamond ring yesterday while they were walking in the snow. This is the diamond ring I hid in my house for him for a few weeks. I found this quite romantic and I was happy for them.
This same friend called to check on me today. I was very grateful, as he was the only one that did today. Well, him and one other person, but that is another story.
It has altered people's pre Christmas time. Less shopping, more time spent with people. This isn't all bad I guess.
People are durable. We do what we have to do.
More snow tonight they say. I can't stand it. But tomorrow, I will start shoveling and I will find a way to Christmas Eve. Eventually the snow will melt and we will all remember December 2008 and maybe there will be some good memories involved. Either way, it is what it is and quite frankly, it is a big pain in the ass.
Merry Christmas Everyone!
jb

Cabin Fever

Allright. I have had enough. I must get out of my house. I am starting to pace and this is not good.
Tomorrow, I am heading to the Governor hotel for the night. My work's way of assuring we make it in Monday to get payroll done.
My boss just called and said, maybe you should go tonight, I"ll pay for the room. I'm like "are you kidding me?" I can't even make it to my mailbox. I assured her I will get there in the light of day tomorrow.
Until then, I am pacing. I must get out... and there is no way out.
I'm just waiting for bedtime so I can fall asleep and end the boredom.
I hope to dream of summer..........
jb

Ghosts of Christmas Past...

We have adopted two families at work....
I don't think too often about the days when I was getting loaded. I have been clean for almost 18 years and as the years roll by that part of my life gets dimmer.
This year though, I am remembering things I havn't thought of in along time. I picked food items off of the giving tree from work. This made me remember when I used to have to go and get food boxes myself. I had a husband and a small child and I was getting loaded all the time and there was never enough food. I would go to this place called the Kerr Center and they would give me cheese, milk, eggs etc. I was always a little humuliated. But today, I know it is just part of my story. I was a drug addict who didn't have enough money for both drugs and healthy food, hence the food boxes.
The first year after my daughters dad left (rather handcuffed and removed from my house), I was alone with a four year old. I had a job, but things wern't good and at that time, I was drinking like a fish. A young girl I worked with at Fred Meyers collected money and went and bought my daughter a bunch of toys for Christmas. Things I could not provide. I don't know why I had forgotten about that until this year, but I am overwhelmed by her kindness some 19 years later.
Today, I don't need food boxes, and I can buy gifts for my children. It seems like a small thing, but when you come from where I came from, it is no small thing. My gratitude has kicked in.
I have decided this year to reclaim my Chrismases. A Holiday I love. The last few have been extremely tough. It was just something I had to get through. As I remember where I was 18 years ago and where I am today, I need to participate. So, I am. I am reclaiming this damn Holiday. Going through the boxes that I did not want to open was emotional. All those memories from Christmas's past. I unwrapped items one by one. Some of them, I had to just wrap back up. The tears came.
But I let them come. The only way out is through.
My tree is up and decorated. I have walked through it and it is ok. My tree is pretty and it is mine.
Today, I do not have to go get a food box, or take gifts from others. Today, I can give back what was so freely given to me. I owe it to the people who helped me and to many others to be grateful and to participate in my own life, because today I can.
jb