The End of the Innocence...

It's never easy when someone dies. When that someone is 25 years old, it makes it even harder.
As a parent, I cannot imagine the agonizing grief that must bring. All the questions of could I have done more? When it comes to addiction, what more can you do? I don't have all the answers.
Today, my heart hurts for the two parents who are wrestling with these thoughts. The guilt, the questions, the blame, the anger, the confusion. It's all too much.
I have known many people in my life who have left this world due to a drug addiction. I remember one particulary painful memorial service of a girl I had known forever. I said to her brother, I am so sorry. His reply to me was "Well, when you live this life, what else can you expect?" There was never more truth in words.
Today, my thoughts go back to a more innocent time. A time where this child was a part of our lives. All the sleepovers, softball games, friendships, laughter, tears. It was all part of their youth. When did it go so horribly wrong? What was the defining moment that started the path of destruction? One really never knows.  I know my heart breaks when I think of her. I can hear her laughing. I can see her being goofy on the softball field.I can see her in her overalls and braids. I can see her standing in my living room with my daughter and two Portland Police Officers after a night of sneaking out the window. They were scared. So young.  We laughed about it much later.
When did it go from a night of being mischievous teenagers to this?
Many a night as a mom I have laid sleepless. Praying my phone wouldn't ring, but almost expecting it too. The innocence had been lost with my own child. I was scared and I felt helpless. It was a bad time. We all made it through. All but one.
My own child is always the most important thing in my life. Always. Today, I cried for her. I cried tears of gratitude that I still had her and I cried for the pain she feels of losing a peer. a friend.
And I cried for another child gone. There is no going back. It's over.
May there be a special place for those whose road turned on them. Whose lives became less of a choice. May there be a special place for those who have had to experience the pain and hell that is active addiction. It is the worse hell one can experience. If you're lucky enough to make it out alive, you are grateful. You cry and grieve for those who were not so fortunate.
Today, my heart is broken. Today innocence was lost. It's over. There is no going back for her.
But for the rest of us... our hearts are broken, but they keep on beating.

jb

My blog is still here. It hasn't been written in for a long time. I ran out of things to say. Besides, FB and twitter seemed to replace the everyday blog of everyday people.
I miss my blog, so I have come back to it. No one will read it, because really, who will take time to click on something that they actually have to take a minute or two to read? We have become such an instant gratitification society. Most people really don't care what you have to say unless you are someone of celebrity status or you are so hip and cool that they must keep up on your blog in order to feel hip and cool themselves. I am neither hip nor cool. Sorry.
What I am is a person who likes to jot down their thoughts or observations once in awhile. Sometimes it's utter crap, but once in awhile in might be interesting. Either way, it's helpful to me and right now I need all the help I can get.
jb