Coming to terms .............

I have leanred that there are different kinds of woman. There are the woman who speak their minds, voice what they need, do not stifle themselves to please others. Woman who march in the street to protest wars, who forgo cooking dinner to make it to their softball game. Woman who don't sit down and be quiet. These woman want to explore new music, read quirky books, staple twinkle lights to their living room walls,and chug a triple latte on the way to meet friends for brunch at some restaurant she's never heard of but can't wait to get to. These woman read David Sedaris and laugh out loud in their own bed, and they have a secret crush on Anthony Bourdain from the travel channel because he is interesting and smokes on nation TV. These woman watch CNN and can debate with the best of them. These woman are kind, loving and giving.

Then there are woman who don't want to make waves. They are calm and can keep others around them calm. They may have their own beliefs and thoughts but don't find it necessary to voice them. These woman make their own potholders, watch the protests on TV and say good for them from their living room.
These woman want to keep peace. They have patience. They will not be the one to tell you you are being a jerk and that it will not be tolerated. These woman make spinach quiche for everyone and keep their own needs to themselves.
They are happy when you're happy. They do not play sports, but will gladly come and watch you play them. These woman have birds in their backyards and fresh tomotaoes in their garden. These woman read the New York Times and secretely have a crush on Al Gore because he is intelligent and calm. These woman are kind, loving and giving.

When a man is acting like an ass, woman #1 is going to throw your frozen quiche accross the room and tell you if your hungry go to Fucking McDonalds.

When a man is acting like an ass Woman #2 will give you a slice of homemade quiche, with a nice vegetable and tell you everything is fine.


I am woman #1. I can't help it, it's who I am. I have realized in one short day, that I made an attempt for a minute to be woman #2. It's easier. Keep the peace. Don't say anything to piss your man off. Keep your needs to yourself. Fit into his world. It dosn't work. People see through the facade and realize you are woman #1 in disguise.

The man who was in my life seems to need woman #2. It fits better into his life. His world is not complicated and he dosn't have to listen to woman #1's babblings about what she desires or needs.

I was trying to be mature and compromising. Bettering myself for a realtionship. I was willing to make changes to become a better person because I cared about what this man wanted.
In the end, it didn't work.Man did not choose to be with woman #1. He seems more inclined to woman #2, who may or may not fit some of the things I described. I will not pretend to know.

So, today, I realize I am woman #1 and I need someone who celebrates that. I can grow and change for the sake of a better relationship. I will be kind and loving, but in the end I am still woman #1. I will need your attention and I will want you to be interested in my part of the world. I cannot just live in your world. I will say things you don't want to hear. I will try to be kind with my words, but they need to be my words as I need to say them.
I probablly will not make you quiche, and I will not sit down and be quiet. I will voice my opinion. I will try to keep it to as few words as possible, but will fall short of that sometimes. I will hope you will listen and be sad that you don't.
I will try to get you to like David Sedaris, and when you don't, I will not understand. But in the end I will buy you the cowboy book that I know you will like.
I will love you and give you everything I have, but in the end I will not compromise who I am for you, nor will I expect you to compromise yourself for me. But I will hope we can meet in middle and read our own books and I will listen as you tell me about the cowboy who snuck into town on his beat up old horse, and you will listen to how David Sedaris counts things obsessively on his way home from school. We will laugh together, and go back to reading our own books.

With a heavy heart and a sadness no words can describe, a huge chapter of my life is over.
This man who I have loved for so many years has left.
For a minute, I wondered what is wrong with me that he cannot love me for who I am? There is nothing wrong with me. I just fell in love with someone whose world needs to stay the way it is. It is simple and it is his and I don't fit well into it. I cannot be content to live in just his world. So, therefore, I am back in just my own world. A world he chose not to explore or share with me.

So, today, with a sadness in my heart, but a clear understanding of who I am, I am going to put one foot in front of the other. I will shower, and I will eat. Things I did not do yesterday.
I may even buy the Amy Sedaris book I've been wanting. Because after all, woman #1 knows that a good quirky book, and a realiziation that you are ok who you are, regardless if you're wanted by the man you love or not, can get you through another day.

jb

Back to the kitchen table........

I'm gonna touch back on the kitchen table. Nothing brings people together better than a big ole kitchen table. Add a few well placed name cards, some great food, and great people and you've got yourself a very enjoyable situation.
I had one of the best Christmas Dinners I've had in years and it all started with the huge wooden kitchen table. It felt very old fashioned and simple ( in a good way.) I think it was my favorite thing this Christmas.
This just reinforces to me that the simpler things are the better. I have realized I would rather have what I had yesterday than anything else. I thank my hosts for being the kind of people they are. Some people have to try really hard to create a Christmas Experience worthy of talking about and for others the experiences just seem to flow naturally in their home.
But back to the table,,, the kitchen table is the centerpiece of all good things. It provides what the TV tray can never provide...... memories.
jb

So, this is Christmas and what have you done?-John Lennon

I have just found out that I have an occasional third reader out there! This is exciting.
Well, Christmas is upon us... It somehow dosn't feel that way, but here it is.
Bush is calling for more troops in Iraq, there are families who have to live with the fact that their loved ones are buried somewhere on Mt. Hood, and tomorrow I am delivering turkeys and potatoes to people living with Aids.
They say all things happen for a reason. My mom once told me, "they didn't say it was for a good reason".
I am sad for the people who have to take 40 medications a day to ward off a deadly virus, and I am sad for the mothers who will not see their sons again. I have to ask, where is God in all this?
This is why I struggle with my beliefs in a power greater than myself. I realize there must be one, but why would something I am supposed to put all my faith in and live my life serving, allow such tragedies? I am not content with the answers I get when I ask this question.
So, I do my best to do what I can to make a difference. Tomorrow, I will put on a smile, but my heart will be aching as I hand over food to people dying of Aids.
These people are the true heroe's to me. They wake up every day and put one foot in front of the other and carry on. They carry a burden I do not know. However, I have a chance to lighten maybe one minute of their day, and for this I am grateful.

jb

Favorite Christmas Things.....

I have finally decided on one favorite Christmas Song...
Happy Christmas-John Lennon

This has allowed me to move onto my favorite Christmas candy:
Peanut Brittle-homemade

And my favorite Christmas memory: I actually have two...

Seeing the Christmas Boats for the first time. I had never seen anything so beautiful. I had less than a year clean, so everything was seen through different eyes. I was standing on the Willamette River Bank with the love of my life. The ships came strolling by; I was so overwhelmed by their beauty and the fact that I was clean, that I just stood there and cried. Tears of gratitude just kept pouring out of me while the boats drifted by. It was so dark and the boats were all lit up with Christmas music coming from them, and to me it was purely magical. I will always remember that night.

My second favorite Christmas memory was the birth of my grandaughter. As I stood holding my daughters hand, counting from 1 to 10 as she pushed, I looked up at her dad and our eyes locked and it was just the three of us in that room for a brief moment; myself, my daugher and her dad. Time stood still briefly. Then one final push, and out came a beautiful baby girl. We all looked at the clock and realized it was still Christmas night. It was an overwhelming and life changing moment. The cry of the baby brought us all back to reality and time started moving again. But that brief stoppage of time, with all three of us in that room while this beautiful child was born is a memory I will carry forever.

jb

Tis the season............

The month of December is hell on my budget. It is not Christmas gifts I am buying. Yet, I find myself in Fred Meyers way too often, buying unecessary things.
There is something about Christmas time that makes me buy way too many groceries, soap I don't need, and that new duster thing that dusts the areas your rag can't get to.
My whole mentality of everyday shopping goes to hell. There is something comforting about buying stuff I normally wouldn't buy. I can't quite explain it.
Of course, I will buy the few gifts I need to buy as well. There are 6 kids on my list and I will enjoy getting them all something I hope they will like, but I am also taking pleasure in having a few extra things for myself. I don't think it is a selfish thing, but rather a nesting thing.
Somehow, that new soap and knowing I can dust my stereo equipment much better now, just makes me feel better.
Happy Holidays!
jb