I woke up today and realized that I have just wasted four years of my life. This hit me like a tornado. Four years almost to the date. That time was not well spent and I am four years from where I should or could be in my life. It freaked me out. I remember saying "it's been a year"
then, "it's been a couple years" today, it was like OH MY GAWD!
I am not at all happy about my situation. Had I made different decisions four or even 2 years ago, I wonder where I would be. I doubt I would be sitting here with tears streaming down my face wondering what the fuck has happened to my life.
People tell me "you're strong, you've pulled throught this". Bullshit.
I realize that life has moved on in many ways without me.
I have done alot in some ways. Let's see, there was the three years of counseling, the endless goodbyes, and the all too familiar "i'm moving on" speeches, I've hurt my family, my kids,
and caused countless people to shake their head in disbelief. All in the name of love.
Two years or so ago, I put all these little inspirational sayings around my house. I spent hours gluing, cutting, and making them pretty. They were to help me be brave and to find strength. That was two or more years ago. I see them now, and think of where I was when I made them. I was in the "crying" apt. desperately trying to glue my life back together. Today, I read a couple of them, and just felt like throwing up.
I look at my Johny Depp poster. The first thing I bought for myself after I moved into my apt. It was an act of independence. I look at the poster now, and think Johny would be dissapointed.
I have pictures I have put out, put away, tore up,locked up, now I look at my pictures that are out and I'm like "who are these people?"
I look at my some of tatoos and each one represents something significant in my life. There's the sun with the ying/yang symbol. It was my, "Im divorced, please liberate and empower me" tatoo. I remember the artist telling me as I lay crying on his bed, "you are going to come in here in a year, so over everything. You will ride up on a Harley for your next tatoo. See you in a year" He was very cool to me. He told me I need a turkey sandwich.
Then there's the moon, that was for reasons even I can't say out loud. But at the time significant.
The lady who tattoed me was preganate. I somewhat regret that tatoo. It means nothing to me now.
I have the "Shalom" plaque hanging above me given to me by a very dear woman. Given to me to bring me peace in my time of turmoil. I remember the day she gave it to me and what she said. The plaques, the sayings, the tokens of help are long gone, as they should be. Everything has it's time and like I said, Life has moved on somewhat without me.
Today, everything in my house looks old and stale. The pictures, the bat by my bed, mine and Brian's stuffed animals sitting on my dresser, the hourglass I bought as a joke to time myself while I am talking, all of it just looks tired.
All the things placed in my home to bring me comfort or to cherish a memory now suddenly look out of place. I want to box every single thing up and put it out on the street. Let them serve their purpose for someone else.
I have prayed so many times looking for the answer, asking for help, guidance, clues anything. Each time, the same thing presented itself to me. Oh, this must be my answer I would think.
Why else would God keep bringing this to me. I guess I misunderstood. Either way, I'm done praying for now.
Today, it seems four years of emotion are leaking out of me. I cannot stop it. It is the great purge. It is such a realease of emotion, that is seems almost cruel to be happening. No one human being should be put to task like this.
I can no longer call people up and say this is what I'm going through. The words are old and used up.
So, I turn to my blog where I can write and since nobody reads it really, I am fairly safe.
All I know is I woke up today and panicked really bad. I felt shame, I felt heartsick, and I felt fear.
I think the whole four years is coming out of me now. Get the buckets, it's going to be a long night.
jb
