A one person celebration.............

So, here's another dissappointing thing about living alone. When something great happens during your day, there is no one to celebrate it once you get home. I have decided that I will have to learn to celebrate my successes on my own. This is hard to do. Do I take myself to dinner? Do I buy myself a gift? Do I just get a good feeling inside and let it be?
I would much rather have someone be here to say "wow, that's cool, let me take you to dinner", but at this time that's not going to happen. This is ok. I had a moment of sadness for it, but it has passed. Not everything in life has to be shared I suppose. If I was still in therapy she would say "what makes it so hard for you to celebrate your successes by yourself?, why do you feel you need someone to share them with in order to validate them?" this would put me in great thought about what's wrong with me, and I would come to the conclusion that it is because I am human. Nothing more. I don't think there is more to it. People need people.

I had my review today. I was all prepared when she turned over that paper with my increase on it, to say "we need to talk about that". I had a number in my head that if it was below that, I would have to muster up the courage to say something. Well, I didn't have to. It was above what I was willing to accept. I believe they are paying me more to keep me planted during this 4 month project, because the "project" came up alot in the review. Either way, I am finally making a salary that makes me feel like a grown up! There was always a number in my head that I had to surpass to feel like I might be making it. Today put me past that number, and it feels pretty good. Will I order a pizza? Will I buy a new dress? I don't think so. I think I'll just keep plugging along and be secure knowing the plugging just got a little easier.
jb

Regrouping...........

I guess my overwhelment is starting to show. Today, as I am talking (complaining) to my boss about this project we're starting, she looked at me and said, "maybe next week we can throw a pity party for ourselves".
I took this as a cue that my attitude was less that "can do" in her eyes.
So, I am going to try to get myself under control. I did manage to fax off phase 1 of 100,000 of this thing today, so it's a start.

Perfectly timed, I got an e-mail today from my very dear friend who has moved out of town and I have not seen in about a year. He put out an invite to come see him tomorrow and go to a blues/bar-b-q festival. He lives in Stevenson, Wa. This is perfect. A nice long drive up the gorge tomorrow will do me some good. Seeing him will do me even better. I miss him. A day out of the city and spent with a good friend is always refreshing. Eating some bar.b.qued swine and listening to blues never hurt anybody either.

I think the times spent with old friends is what somehow keeps us sane and reminds us that there are pieces of life that are nice. Not everything is a "project" or a "to do list".
Sometimes the universe helps me out and reminds me of that.

jb

blah, blah, blah...............

Well, I guess what it takes to motivate me, is to get help. My son came over Sat and he did a bunch of stuff in my yard. The ivy is cut, the gutters are clean, and bushes are cut back. This motivated me to buy and plant some flowers. I feel a little better now. There is still alot to do, but he has promised to come back and finish sometime soon. At least my little deck seems a bit cheerier now with a few flowers.

My job is killing me. We are just gearing up for a four month long project. I am so busy doing my regular stuff, that I can't even get to what I should be doing for the project itself. The first step is due Friday and I have barely looked at it.
It is going to be a challenging next few months with a bunch of long hours.
It is redicilous the amount of work that is coming through my office. I don't understand how companies allow people to be pushed to that limit. It's bullshit. I don't mind working hard at all, but there comes a point where you just become this machine. I am going to give this project my all, because if I do a good job and all goes well, it will be a huge accomplishment for me personally and professionally.
However, if things don't get better after that, I know I cannot stay. I am not designed to work like a friggin dog every day and be thinking about my job while I am home. I have even woke up in the middle of night a few times in a panic over work. This will not do.
Some people thrive on being successful at their job, and while I want to do good and be successful, it is not what defines me. I find myself slipping over to the dark side and I promised myself years ago, I would never be that person. So, I think in the next six months or so, I will have some choices to make if things don't change.
I am watching people leave my company, and I know why; they just can't do it anymore.

The "bait shop" has become a metaphor for the life I will one day have.

Until then, I will continue this corparate madness, because it pays my bills, and it's what I have to do for now. It makes me really sad though.

But, the lilies bloomed today on my deck, so I guess not all is bad.

jb

What does it take to motivate me?

I am not really a lazy person by nature. So, why is it that I have a million things to do in my yard and can't seem to get motivated to do any of it? My yard is kept up to some degree ( nobody driving by would make comments either bad or good). But I have way too many weeds, bamboo and ivy that is taking over, I havn't planted any flowers yet, and a chunk of my side yard needs sod put down. Everytime I sit on my porch I contemplate these things. Today, I even went to Home Depot garden Center. I walked around and left empty handed. It all seems too much. I even tried to rationalize it yesterday by telling myself; what does it matter? once I die in 40 years all my yardwork will mean nothing. Why do we always have a "to do" list? This bugs me. All it does it make me feel guilty for not finishing the list. I want to say screw the to do list, but this isn't really right either.
I did manage to try to kill the mole that has been tearing up my yard. I tried the poison, this only seems to give him more energy to dig more holes. So, upon advice, I bought these sticks that you light and shove into the holes. I felt somewhat bad that some creature was down there breathing in the toxic gas and dying a horrible death. I see no new holes today, so I'm guessing it might have worked.
So, I"m not motivated to plant flowers, but I was motivated enough to kill another living creature. Oh, the guilt is immense.
jb

What a day..........

It has been one long day. My step father went in for a routine procedure yesterday and wound up in open heart surgery today. Quadruple bypass. It was a 6 hour surgery that I am happy to say went well. It was odd to see my mother so frail and scared today. It broke my heart. He will recover fine I know, but it was still a bit scary.
I spent 6 hours with my family in the waiting room. I am the only liberal of my entire family. They are staunch, right wing,Republican,Christian, closed minded individuals, who think I am something of an abnormal human being. It all started with the Bible sitting on the table in the waiting area. I said, "Why is it only the Christian Bible that is available? My step brother says, "what else would there be?" I say oh, I don't know, what if someone is a Bhudist? Why is there no book here for their spiritual comfort? He says "there is only one book, and that is the Bible" Well, that started me off. For the next 6 hours there were many debates/arguments/people leaving the room/jokes etc. I could not believe the things they were saying or what their beliefs are. Unfuckingbelievable that I come from the same family. It was about 8 against one, but I held my own. When I said I was voting for Hilary, they all freaked out. Literally. They all agreed an intervention was in order for me.
But at the end of the day, we are still family. The conversations were to put to rest and we all went to dinner. Before dinner we all raised our glass in a toast to the very man who brought us together today, My stepfather, their dad, my mom's husband and my nieces grandfather. It's nice to know no matter what our beliefs or how wacky and fucked up they think I am and vice versa we all come together when it matters.
I feel a little emotional for my parents tonight. My stepfather with all the tubes and wires coming out of him, and for my mother who has to go home tonight without him.
It'a an uncomfortable feeling for me.
jb