New Years Day................

New Years Day. It's always a very important day in my life as it means I made it another year clean. Some years seem more special than others. This year, I couldn't quite grasp what I was feeling, nor was I trying to0 hard to figure it out. Just trying to let it pass.
I just returned from a meeting. That's when it hit me. 17 years clean. When they asked if any one had multiple years of clean time today, I walked up and got my keytag,sat back down and tried to stop the tears I felt coming. Tears of gratitude? Tears of sadness? Just tears. Sometimes there is no definition for them.
What I do know is I was thankful at that moment for the man who took me to my first meeting in a little church basement in Northeast Portland 17 years ago. Thankful that he drove me to one every day after that for months on end. Thankful that he let me cry and thankful that he watched me detox and told me I never had to feel that way again. He was right. I have not had to.
That same man snuck onto my porch last night and left me a gift. A plant, a balloon and a card. At first this struck me as odd and a little disturbing given the circumstances.
After much thought, I am no longer disturbed. But the tears continue to flow. Tears of gratitude ,tears of sadness or just tears so I know I am still alive, I do not know. But they won't stop.
The balloon waves around my kitchen and it reminds me too much of the man who took me to that first meeting. The man that told me everything would be ok if I just kept coming back.

jb