Forever Friends.............

It has been two days since I returned from camp. Once again, it was an experience that no words can describe. I tried to tell someone earlier about camp and I just gave up. It just does not translate well. I'm inclined now to just say, "it was great" and leave it at that.
I did experience a meltdown at camp on Thursday. I had six of the most challenging boys in all of camp. It got a bit out of control for me. With the help of some very smart, dedicated, supportive people, I got through it.
It is hard to remember the lives these children come from. They don't know how to express it in words, so they express it in behavior. I felt very ill equipped to handle some of it. I am forever grateful to my camp friends for letting me cry, letting me rant, and then helping me to pull it together so I could be there for the kids.
This year at camp my relationships grew ten fold. I cannot explain how important some of these people have become in my life. The way a few people just stepped up and embraced me is beyond words. I have learned so much this year. These camp friends inspire me to be a better person.
I also learned that I can fall in love again and even though it is not to be, I learned that I am capable. This a gift all in itself. I finally realized that this had been happening over the last four years. This was a very hard good bye for me. To hold someone and have them tell you they love you and have to say good bye all in the same embrace was extremely difficult. I will carry this person in my heart forever.

The children of Camp Starlight once again challenged me and inspired me. They are the real heroes. I love them all.
It was summed up best by one of my 10 year old campers as he hugged me good bye, He said "you and me, we will never forget each other"
And so ends another year at camp.......
jb

Sacred Item...

Here I am again..preparing for Camp Starlight. Where did the year go?
I will pack my new tennis shoes for my soon to be weary feet, a boatload of candy to bribe my boys with and every article of clothing I own. I learn something each year..this year I will pack the fabreeze. Kids at camp stink up a cabin!
My friend from Maryland will not be going with me this year. This will alter my camp experience. She has been with me every year. She sleeps on my couch the night before, and the night after and I will miss her. We always gear up and decompress together. Not this year.
Once again, we are asked to bring a sacred item to share. How many damn sacred items can I have? Every year this is a task for me. I was looking around my house..is this a sacred item? no. Is THIS is a sacred item? no. Then, I spot it! A picture of one of my girls from my first year at camp. She is the first kid from Camp Starlight that broke my heart in half. A little wisp of a thing. She has HIV and each year you can see the toll it is taking on her. She is the first child I had to take to Club Med to take her medication. I sat with her many times while she took her 14 pills.(twice daily) It took her forever, because she hates it.It was when this disease really slapped me in the face. Why her?
She is so tired and so frail that she sits out most of the activities. She cannot keep up with the rest of the kids, nor does she seem to want to. She is content to just be there. She will sing the same song she sings every year at the talent show.My heart will break all over again.
She is the first child who took my hand at camp and the first child who made me something in Arts and Crafts. I have had her picture in my Living Room for four years.
This year, that picture will be my sacred item.
My one worry this year is that my dear friend will pass away while I am at camp. This is highly probable. If there is a memorial to attend I will have to make the decision whether I leave camp for a day. Most likely, I would do that. I can't think of a more safe place to be if I get the news.
So, that aside, I am looking forward to yet another week at Camp Starlight. Tomorrow, I will take my last shower without shoes on, eat one last good meal with camp buddies at Jakes Grill and then head off in the morning.
A week of paddle boating, swimming, arts and crafts, kickball, dances, talent shows, carnivals,circle ups, riding the pony,laughter,prune eating, late night talks on the front porch of the dining hall, new friends, old friends,being in the morning starlight band, sneaking out at least once to go to Starbucks, more laughter, cabin chat every night with my boys, and sitting on the dock at night after the kids go to sleep, staring out at the lake under the moonlight and being grateful that I am a part of something so magical as Camp Starlight.
jb

Wedding Bells.........

Another family wedding today. I just love them! Even though it was 100 degrees and my dress was sticking to my legs, it was a great day. From the moment my new sister in law walked down the aisle to "at last" the tears started. Then watching my brother cry, assured the tears would continue to flow.
The reception was a blast. My daughter was with me which made the day all the better. She looked as beautiful as I have ever seen her.
Seeing my brother so happy made me happy. Also, for the first time in a very long time I actually have hope I too will be this be happy in love again. I don't know why, since I'm not even dating anyone right now, but I just feel things are going to turn for me this upcoming year. It's a hunch. Or maybe for the first time, I went to a wedding and did not grieve for my own marriage ending. I must be on my way to something.
Anyway, it was a great day and it felt really good to be around my family and to take pictures and laugh and just be happy. I like to watch people dance. I think that's the best part of weddings. All the emotional dances. I love that the bride did a dance with her daughter. It was great. They just danced around with each other as if noone else was there. It was very sweet.
And I must say, dancing with my own brother on his wedding day....was just the best.
There is really nothing quite like family. I always feel safe when I am around all of them.
Today was a good day.
jb

The Gravel Pit........

Who knew there were so many kinds of gravel?? I went to Mt. Scott fuel today to get a little to finish my project. "Pull up back and load up yourself" the lady tells me. I drive to the back and there is the gravel. So many choices!! Piles and piles of it.
I don't know why, but this thrilled me. I was wishing I had a truck so I could just get a whole load of it. I don't need a whole load of it, but I wanted a whole load of it. There was pretty, stone gravel, fine gravel, big gravel. It was gravel heaven! In the end, I went with what would match my neighbors. (since my project spills into his driveway.)
Project complete. I have managed to only cross two things off my outside "to do" list this summer. Time is running out, and quite frankly I don't have the ambition to paint my porch or whack down bamboo or lay down a new walkway, so I'm not going to.

I have finished all three seasons of Weeds now though, and this leaves me with alot of time on my hands. But I probably won't use that time wisely. I will find some other thing that occupies my time and keeps me from doing work around my house.

Oh, that reminds me, I gotta go watch the Olympics.........

jb

One more hour with a friend..........

Sometimes I feel redicilous writing on my blog. My two readers are on vacation, I may have lost my "sometimes three" reader and my new 4th reader probably only read the one entry and never returned. But, the way I figure, it's somehwat of a journal for myself. I have history of my thoughts and it beats having a spiral notebook I have to write in.
I made another visit to my friend in Hospice. I did not think I would be blessed with a second visit, but I was. She is still hanging on. Although not really by choice.
The universe just isn't ready to take her yet. I assume someone is preparing a really nice room for her and they are waiting for the silk curtains to arrive.
She looks much more frail. The pain has intensified,so has the medication. She was still happy to see me. She asked me to brush her hair. She gets great pleasure out of me brushing the rats out of her hair.
The visit is more intense this time. Although I am more at ease with her and found it very calming and peaceful once again to be with her.
She asks me if I support her decision to do "death with dignity" (she has signed all the papers to end her own life with medication when she is ready)
I tell her absolutely 100%, I support that decision. She tells me her family does not.
She says to me "for the love of God, It's time to go!" I agree.
She says to me "if I was my own dog, I would have put me down a month ago". My heart breaks in half.
She is so right. We hang onto our people because we cannot bear to let them go. This is selfish. She wants to go. She is done. She is waiting for her people to say it's ok to go. They do not. I do. I tell her it's ok Edie. I'm not the one she needs to hear it from though.
They took her home Tuesday. It took 6 people to move her into the ambulance. She is at home now as she wishes. She is not there because she is better. She is there because she insisted. And even from her bed of pain, she is in control.
I wait everyday for the word. It will be very soon.
I am starting to realize there are many things I will never get to do again. It is starting to become overwhelming to me to realize she will be gone. Her face flashes through my mind constantly and a sadness that I can't describe directly follows.
She said to me last Sunday. "jo, jo, it's my boat, and it's sinking." I can only reply, "yes, it is"
There is no life preserver or coast guard this time.
I wait for the call and I pray everyday the universe takes her and ends her misery.
I am not prepared for how I will feel when that happens, but I'm sure it will be a deep empty sadness, but also gratitude that her pain is over.
Her face flashes once again through my mind and I pray her family finally tells her it's ok to go. That's all she is waiting for.
jb