One more hour with a friend..........

Sometimes I feel redicilous writing on my blog. My two readers are on vacation, I may have lost my "sometimes three" reader and my new 4th reader probably only read the one entry and never returned. But, the way I figure, it's somehwat of a journal for myself. I have history of my thoughts and it beats having a spiral notebook I have to write in.
I made another visit to my friend in Hospice. I did not think I would be blessed with a second visit, but I was. She is still hanging on. Although not really by choice.
The universe just isn't ready to take her yet. I assume someone is preparing a really nice room for her and they are waiting for the silk curtains to arrive.
She looks much more frail. The pain has intensified,so has the medication. She was still happy to see me. She asked me to brush her hair. She gets great pleasure out of me brushing the rats out of her hair.
The visit is more intense this time. Although I am more at ease with her and found it very calming and peaceful once again to be with her.
She asks me if I support her decision to do "death with dignity" (she has signed all the papers to end her own life with medication when she is ready)
I tell her absolutely 100%, I support that decision. She tells me her family does not.
She says to me "for the love of God, It's time to go!" I agree.
She says to me "if I was my own dog, I would have put me down a month ago". My heart breaks in half.
She is so right. We hang onto our people because we cannot bear to let them go. This is selfish. She wants to go. She is done. She is waiting for her people to say it's ok to go. They do not. I do. I tell her it's ok Edie. I'm not the one she needs to hear it from though.
They took her home Tuesday. It took 6 people to move her into the ambulance. She is at home now as she wishes. She is not there because she is better. She is there because she insisted. And even from her bed of pain, she is in control.
I wait everyday for the word. It will be very soon.
I am starting to realize there are many things I will never get to do again. It is starting to become overwhelming to me to realize she will be gone. Her face flashes through my mind constantly and a sadness that I can't describe directly follows.
She said to me last Sunday. "jo, jo, it's my boat, and it's sinking." I can only reply, "yes, it is"
There is no life preserver or coast guard this time.
I wait for the call and I pray everyday the universe takes her and ends her misery.
I am not prepared for how I will feel when that happens, but I'm sure it will be a deep empty sadness, but also gratitude that her pain is over.
Her face flashes once again through my mind and I pray her family finally tells her it's ok to go. That's all she is waiting for.
jb