Mi Casa...

I dream of the day when I can move into a bigger house.
I had two people over for dinner tonight. I used my kitchen table, which I never do. I keep plants on my kitchen table. So, in order to seat my two guests, I had to move 4 african violets, one zebra plant and one other plant. Oh, and move the big palm off the floor so somebody could get to the third chair.
I remember the days of 1375 sq feet and I just want to cry. It dosn't sound like much, but trust me, it is a warehouse compared to my little abode.
I miss that house so much.
I am not in the house of my dreams anymore and I'm telling you.."cute" only goes so far. Yes, it is home and yes, it is comfortable but I dream of the days when I can have company without moving foliage around.
I know I will not move again until A. I win the lottery. B. I get a gigantic raise C. I get a partner with an income.
My odds seem about the same for all three.
Trust me, I will marry for square footage!!
jb

Thank you for not smoking...

I am attempting to quit smoking. It's not going as well as I hoped. I manage to go all day, but cannot quite get rid of the couple at night. I must bite the bullet, because I know soon, the couple at night, turn into just one in the afternoon and so it goes, and so it goes.
I find myself pissy from time to time during the day. Today,standing in line at Subway, a guy walked in and just yelled, "is there a plug in here?" he appears to just be throwing it out there, so I answer him. "not for public use, there isn't". He says "do you think you own this place or something?" I snap back, "why the hell did you ask if you didn't want the answer". A couple more snaps back and forth.the whole line is listening. I wanted to kick his ass. My friend was like, Woah. really? Yeah, really.
I had to resolve an issue between one of my workers and one of our restaurants. Smooth the waters, redirect the course. You know, be a supervisor. I so badly wanted to say to my worker, "quit being a bitch, ok?" You are in the wrong, now get the fuck over it. Of course, this was not said. I handled myself well and smoothed the waters and all is well. Not at all how I pictured it in my head.
This is what quitting smoking does to people. You want to jump out of your skin. It's horrible and it's why alot of people just don't bother.
But, I must. For several reasons. First reason, being death. Don't want to die.
second reason, softball.I would like to be able to play without wanting to stop at the nearest oxygen bar on the way to second base. third reason. a boyfriend. there are more non smokers in the world. It ups my chances.
So, I continue to try and will eventually knock off the nighttime smokes and will once again be a non smoker. Unitl then, may the universe protect all those innocent people who are irritaing the hell out of me. May I not kick your ass.
jb

the vote is in.........

I don't think I like voting by mail.
I miss "election day" where I actually had to drive to the school or church and walk in. I miss the old ladies who took my name, and I miss the process of going into the booth and casting my ballot.
I used to really feel like I had done my duty when I took time off work and drove to my ballot place. I always felt very proud of myself. Especially when they gave you one of those "I voted today" stickers. We could ask each other "have you gone and voted yet?"
Now, I sit on my couch and vote. I voted while watching Color Splash on HGTV.
This is not right.
However, I am done. My vote for Barack is in! I can now tune out all political ads and toss the flyers that come daily now. This part I like.

I know voting by mail gets more people to vote, but damnit, I miss the old ladies!!

jb

Happiness can be quite simple sometimes...

Here is a list of things that make me happy currently,

1. Going to see Great Big Sea. I cannot think of a time when I am happier than being at one of their concerts.
2. Buying the big, fat, pumpkin-chocolate chip cookies at Fred Meyers.
3. Taking Ny Quill before I go to bed
4. My new glow in the dark skeleton hand pen
5. looking at my flowers on my table
6. The ADP people shadowing me for three days are not bothering me at all.
7. I am going to David Sedaris in 17 days.
8. The lifeguards
9. Root beer barrel candy
10.I am going to the corn maze with my grandaughter on Sunday
11.I can drink 2 cups of coffee at 7 pm and fall asleep at 9:30 (see # 3)
12.Obama is ahead in the polls
13.I am going to Jakes Crawfish for lunch tomorrow.
14. The banana cream pie at Jakes Crawfish
15. going 10-12 hours at a time without smoking. (working on 24 hours at a time)
16. my home owners insurance only went up 2.00 this time.
17. Reading Tony_C's twitters.
18. My friend from camp e-mailed me yesterday and made me laugh
19. The picture of Obama I received today. Innapropriate, but hysterical
20. Looking at the picture of Steve in my living room. Thinking of him brings a funny kind of happiness inside me.

Sometimes it doesn't take much. When you list it all out, that's quite alot of things to be happy about........!

jb

Another chapter in the life of me...

Two weeks ago I went for my annual mamogram. A week later, the letter comes stating I need to return for "further imaging?". My heart stopped. This could only mean they have found something. I tried to put it out of my mind until the next appt.
I went for further imaging. They explained what they saw and why the need for further tests. I started crying. The imaging tech hugged me.
After further pics, they immediately said I needed an ultra sound.
Sitting in the waiting room in my gown I was comforted by another woman who said "it will be nothing, don't worry". I prayed she was right.
I walked into the room where my breast was displayed in film form larger than life on the wall. It was dark in there. The dr. explained the findings in great detail. I finally had knowledge.
She says to me "we need to do a biopsy to determine if this is cancer or not". More tears.
For the next few days I feared the worse. I went in for the biopsy. This was the most unpleasant experience. I was hyperventilating. My breast was clamped into this machine for an hour and a half while they figured out the technical stuff to assure they were getting to the right spot.
Samples were taken and I was sent home with more knowledge. There was a very big chance this was not cancer they kept saying.
Waiting for the results was hell. How would I tell the kids? Who would take care of me during surgery? Would I lose my breast?
I told only two people. No need to worry anyone until I knew.
The day before my results was my 45th birthday. I came home to see the largest, most beautiful boquet of flowers on my porch.I mean seriously, a redicilous amount of flowers! I have never,ever received flowers so beautiful. The card was anonymous, yet I knew who put them there. My first thought was, "are you kidding me? you choose this year to do something nice for me?" Then I wondered, did he know somehow? Did all those years together give us some kind of secret telepathy? then for one brief moment,I felt something I had not felt in awhile. Then I decided to not contemplate the motives behing the flowers, but to just enjoy them. Which I have done. No response was necessary on my part.
On the day my results were due I could barely breathe. I told two more people. It was becoming too big for me. They told me they would be there while I made the call. I would not be alone.
The results came in and they were benign. It was the only word I heard. The doctor said it immediately before continuing. (bless him). There is an area of concern that may have to be surgically removed. Not urgent, but of enough concern it needs to be dealt with. Benign at this point, but left untreated, could , COULD lead to cancer down the road. There will be follow up in a couple weeks and an appt made with a breast surgeon. This would be minor surgery. The area will be biopsied again once removed to be sure there is no cancer. The dr. assured me he felt 95% sure it would be fine.
I am relieved. At this time I do not have breast cancer. For one week, I was sure I did. This is the worst feeling in the world. It was so personal and so strangling I could barely breathe. The things that ran through my mind were foreign to me.
Edie weighed heavily on my mind.
For today, I am fine. Results down the road will reveal more, but I feel confident it will be ok.
What I learned through all this, is that I have people who would be there for me if needed. I may live alone, but I am not alone.
My friends took me out last night. We toasted to my few days gone by 45th birthday and to the fact that I do not have breast cancer.
As I ate my bar-b-qued chicken pizza, I was grateful they were my friends and I was grateful the conversation turned to regular stuff. We celebrated me, and then we continued doing what friends do. Talk too much, eat too much and laugh. Laughter that was much needed after the two weeks I just had.
I now know, I do not have to face life alone. I have friends and there is no better comfort to me.
jb

A driver or a Chef?

If I could have one unecessary luxury in my life, it would be a Chef. Some people would choose a personal driver instead. Not I.
I love to eat good food but find cooking for myself redicilous.
My diet consists of the same couple of things. I eat soy chicken sandwiches, grilled cheese, sometimes grilled HAM and cheese! There is the occasional breakfast for dinner, and hot dogs. My side dishes consist of either chips and salsa or wheat thins dipped in cottage cheese. This is pretty much my diet. It is easy and it seems to be sustaining life.
If I had a chef I would eat seafood, really good salads, fancy stir frys, pork roast and mashed potatoes, and he would make me home made biscuits at my command.
On Sunday mornings I would have french toast, eggs cooked with fancy herbs, and of course homemade biscuits.
If I had a chef I would eat at 6. Desert would be at 8. As it stands I rarely eat dinner before 8pm.
I can imagine no greater luxury than having my own personal Chef. I would also invite him to eat with me. After all, he's here, and I'm here, why not. We would strike up interesting conversation about the use of sage. This would lead to other topics and we would realize we have alot in common. He loves to cook and I love to eat. We would eventually fall in love over brunch one day.
He would move in and cook for me for the rest of my life.
There could be no greater luxury.
jb

Beach weekend ...

So, I am heading to the beach this weekend. My friend rented a really nice house with a magnificent view of the ocean.
I think she sees this as some kind of retreat/spiritual type weekend. She is going a day earlier than I.
She says to me tonight, I am bringing this book I read that's called "a womans's return to love".
"I think you will like it and might enjoy reading it at the beach"
Little does she know, I am bringing Augusten Burroughs book "a wolf at the table".
My plan is not to "find some spiritual connection" but to find out why poor Augusten's father was such an asshole.
I also plan to eat bad food and drink too much coffee. I hope to find some place that serves really good seafood and eat like there's no tomorrow. Which there may not be and if that's the case, I'd rather go with a full stomach and an insight to a very disturbing family tragedy. (and not my own)
I just can't do self help, find your inner being, be a strong woman type crap right now. Don't get me wrong, that stuff has a place in life and I've done my share.
But sometimes part of life is just knowing when you should eat a good meal, read a good book, and kick your friends ass in some cribbage.
That can be quite spiritual.
jb