Mindless ponderings............

Things that baffle me:

1. Suicide Bombers
2. The girl in the City Liquidators furniture commercial
3. White Jeans
4. People that don't like Hockey
5. People that don't like David Sedaris
6. Why there is nothing on TV on Saturday nights
7. Why I am home on Saturday night
8. Why super rich people don't donate more of their money to help others
9. Why is hunger such a problem in our world while others have so much in their fridge they can't decide what to eat?
10. When power goes out, why is just after you went grocery shopping?
11. Why do most single people not eat vegetables?
12. Why do dogs like to hump human legs?
13. Why do small children always act better around people other than their parents?
14. Why people with Political Science degrees always seem to work at coffee shops or are unemployed
15. Why does the sound of my own voice on my phone message disturb me?
16. Why do I sometimes want to floor the gas in my car and ram into whatever is in front of me?
17. Why my dad is so unhappy
18. Why does the knowledge I will inherit a little bit of money when my father passes, make me wonder how many years he has left? (sorry, that's sick, but It had to be said)
19. why can I watch the four final episodes of America's next top model and get up and walk out of the room right before they announce the winner.
20. Why is there not a reverse button on regular phones, so when you push a wrong number you can just back up and push the right one instead of hanging up and starting over?

The African Children......

I wish I was wealthy. Well, at least somewhat financially secure. If I was, I would travel to Africa and give my time to the little African Children and mothers affected by poverty and Aids.
Some years back, people affected with HIV/AIDS became my calling. I'm not sure if this is due to how lucky I feel not to have contracted the disease given my past life style, or what, but it is where my heart feels my time needs to be spent.
Watching "Idol gives back" last night really got me. I know there are plenty of people in America that need help. Yet, there is something about the African people that call my name. The massness of Aids there is overwhelming and heartbreaking. Knowing there are 12 yr old children fending for themselves is more than I can take. The children and mothers seem to have a strength within them in spite of the hell they live. Mothers taking in children that arn't even hers and feeding them and loving them even though she can barely feed her own, is so amazing to me. Some of them will die anyway in spite of her couragous efforts.
I wept last night as I have many times over the years. Aids is a horrible way to live and a worse way to die.
I ache to hold those children and to love them, and I cannot. It is troubling to me that I cannot do what I feel I was meant to do. I have my own reality, and that is I cannot just pack up and go to Africa. Someday, maybe the opportunity will come for me.
So, I do what I can here. It is not enough. I think of all the children of Camp Starlight and I am happy that it is there for them. It provides a refuge for them and provides an outlet for me and for what I know I have to do in this life.
I need to do more. We all need to do more. Why arn't we? When people tell me "oh, that's so great you do that camp thing" I want to say back to them, "Thank you, and what are you doing?"

jb

Just for today............

I have been thinking alot about my daughter lately. She has herself in yet another unfortunate situation. I keep thinking things are going to get better for her and somehow they do for a minute and then she ends up right back where she is now. I asked her today in good humor, when does it stop with you?? And her response was "appearantly, never."
I was happy to see her though. She looked good. Clean clothes, hair done etc. And this is somehow comforting to me. She is still the funny, caring, great human being she has always been regardless if her life is in the tank right now. It's important for me to remember that and to see that. I am also amazed at how her friends stick by her no matter what. She received at least 5 calls the hour at my house. friends checking on her, telling her about their day etc. The friendships do not waiver regardless.
The worry I have as a mother right now is immense. I think of her constantly; praying somehow the light comes on for her. Everyday, I wait for a phone call with some horrible news that I cannot bear.
It is getting tiring. You get to a place in your life where you hope your kids are doing well, and the worry can stop.
But, just for today, she is ok. She has eaten, was productive today, and managed to remind me that she is my daughter no matter what. I will be more than happy when she gets to a place where she is not the focus of my thoughts.
This is not where I hoped to be at 43 yrs old. But here I am.

jb

Out of the Restaurant mix.............?

So, I am moving up to the 6th floor in 3 weeks, where I will be granted an office of my own. This is quite exciting. I have a door and 2 windows. I have always wanted this, and now I guess my wish is granted.
However, I am learning to love the Restaurant industry in which I work. By moving my dept upstairs, it is going to feel just like any other office? We will be isolated from the rest of the office on the 5 floor. We will no longer be a part of the atmosphere of downstairs. Even though we are the headquarters for our restaurants, and not an actual Restuarant, there is till the Restaurant buzz going on all the time. There is always talk about Chefs, Sous Chefs, GM's, service, new menu items etc. There is always flatware and food samples laying around given to us by vendors, always talk about the new restaurant that is opening, which fish dish works and dosn't work, what our favorite deserts are etc. Menu's come in daily , promotional boards of upcoming events are always in the mail room. Sometimes our regional Chef puts on his crisp white Chef's jacket and films a commerical in our board room. I love those Chef's jackets!
It is an office with personality. A restaurant industry personality.
I feel amungst the "people" now, and I am afraid moving upstairs where it is just HR and Payroll, that atmosphere is going to change. Will we still talk about banana cream pie and parmasean crusted sole? will the Chef's pop up to say Hi when they come through? I'm not sure.
So,I'm thinking my new space comes at a price. I'm also guessing I will have to put up a bigger picture of Bobby Flay and Anthony Bourdain in my new office.

jb

No Thank You.......

I was watching two small children last night. The older one kept messing with the little one.
She was squirting her with the squirt gun, taking her toys etc. The little one says in the cutest voice ever, as she is getting squirted with water, "No thank you." She was serious as a heart attack. This was enough to let the older one know (with a little help from me) that she did not like that, and it needed to stop. It worked. Each time she said No Thank you, the torment stopped. It was great. It was communication at it's finest.

I think that would be great if that worked for us. When someone is doing something to us that we do not like, we could just say "no thank you", and it would stop.
I picture saying this an adult as someone is saying hurtful things to me; No thank you.
Some foul person downtown is harassing me, No thank you.
It just dosn't have the same ring to it, but I wish it were that easy to stop things you didn't want to happen.

I guess this only works when you are two, cute as a button, and it is 2 of the 15 words you say.

Sometimes, less is more. Children seem to be naturals at this. If only we could keep that simple communication going as we got older...............

It is something I work on constantly. (the less is more idea) I am getting way better, and I realize people listen better when you just get to the point and keep it simple. It has more impact.

They say "teach your children well" I think that works both ways.

jb

On being single........

This is how being single goes for me..When I am sick, people always assume that I am helpless. Have I heard of Ny Quill? am I eating? Don't forget to get some rest. People are forever asking what I am having for dinner, do I eat vegetables? You really should you know. I love to tell them that I ate a pint of ice cream for dinner, then went straight to bed. This appalls them; but really only confirms what they think they know,"poor girl is a mess by herself."
The older ladies in my dept. are amazed that I bought a For sale by owner house all by myself. They kept telling me that I better be careful,it can be complicated. Well, I guess they wern't paying good attention when they bought their house with their husbands. I was.
When did being single equal being stupid?
This annoys the hell out of me, and feels very patronizing.
I do know people are just trying to be nice, but really, they don't know how redicilous their remarks can be.
Believe it or not, I know how to buy cough medicine, eat a meal, (which by the way I do most every day, sometimes a couple times a day.) I am smart enough to fill out house papers all on my own. I was more on top of it, then the guy selling the house. I filled out his portion too.
I can go to baseball games, mow my lawn, walk in my neighborhood,do my own taxes, drive to Bend, catch a bus, eat, and go lay on the couch and be sick, ALL BY MYSELF.
I am 43, have raised two kids,been married and divorced twice, lived through a nasty 15 yr. drug addiction, been clean for another 16 years, and maybe, just maybe, have learned how to do life.
Yes, things are alot nicer and easier when you have a partner, Yes, there are things like doggy doors, pest removal and dry wall that might require some back up, but believe it or not, I function ok.
No one ever cared if I ate vegetables, or knew where to buy cough medicine when I was married. I guess it was assumed marriage equals "well taken care of", or "of sound mind" Well, not always.
It is pretty damn lonely living alone and most days I hate the hell out of it, but it dosn't mean my garbage dosn't get emptied, or my walkways arn't pressure washed.
I ask for help when I need it, and go about my life when I don't. If my mother asks one more time if I've been eating, I'm going to tell her "no, I have not had a meal in four days, Please send help".
jb

Back to the basics......

I have been taught that when you're in a place of no gratitude and you feel like your world is crumbling in on you, write a gratitude list. This is supposed to bring you out of your despair and put you in a place of gratitude for all you do have. I have not done this in a very long time. It's a part of my recovery that I know I should do, but just don't, so I decided to write one on my blog

My gratitude list:(things I am grateful for)
1.my recovery (which feels a litte sketchy at the moment)
2.a car that runs good
3. a warm house that is mine
4.clean clothes to wear
5.I have food and my basic needs are met
6. my job
7.a little money in the bank
8.children who love and somwhat respect me
9. Tony_C, The CEO, The kid and Z and their home
10.Family that cares about me
11.My softball team
12.My basic intelligence
13. I'm not part of the couple that was in my street last night yelling obsenities at each other at the top of their lungs while surely all amped up on meth.
14. My home is safe from abuse
15. I never wake up with a hangover
16. I do not hurt people anymore
17. I can eat ice cream by the gallons and not gain weight
18. I am getting my own office in a couple weeks
19. I have enough desire to do something about my the way I feel
20. My new softball glove

I have 20 things to be grateful for. This should make me feel better, but I feel like I am just going through the motions. But recovery is like that, sometimes you do what is suggested and you still feel like crap. But you make it through clean and it is part of the process. I was also taught to do the next right thing. In my case, this was the next right thing. I really wanted to go out and charge a new computer because I need one, but instead I chose to be still, do this, and continue to put one foot in front of the other.
I know if I do what is suggested that
"this too shall pass"

jb